Conservative Rules of Acquisition

It has always been common for scientific fields to complement each other. A recent archeological discovery has revealed intact documents from the 20th and 21st centuries which were produced by the now-extinct humanoid specie Homo conservitii. They are currently being analysed, especially by comparison to similar documents from the 24th-century Homo ferengii, for clues to the evolutionary development of H. conservatii. This pre-publication description of the research is provided while research is finalized and a draft publication is composed and peer-reviewed.

The documents describe these species’ social organization in terms of a concept which both referred to as acquisition. This was a significant element of humanoid societies until the 34th century, when biological and social evolution converged to eliminate superstition, greed, and arrogance. An unknown 18th-century Homo sapiens sapiens promulgated such differing concepts of acquisition [present possession, occupation, prescription, accession, succession] from these later species’ concepts that it is clear that H. conservatii followed a highly divergent evolutionary path from H. sapiens.

Both documents included a statement of sequence, which researchers refer to as ‘staging’. A comparison of these stages for both species offers a valuable orientation:

           The Five Stages of Acquisition
H. Ferengii                            H. Conservatii
Infatuation                            Authoritarianism - 'I need this security'
Justification                          Obedience - 'I will do what Authority says'
Appropriation                          Manipulation - 'Action requires cynicism'
Obsession                              Possession - 'I've got mine'
Resale                                 Justification - 'This will shut the suckers up'

These stages are superficially different. It is beyond the scope of this pre-publication description to establish the sociological and psychological links which connect the two lists. It is more readily apparent from their expanded form, ‘Rules of Acquisition‘. Those rules which researchers consider congruent are listed as follows.

 The Rules of Acquisition
       H. Ferengii
       H. Conservatii
1. Once you have their money ... never give it back.
   You have always had their money. Get more.
3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
   Never pay for an acquisition that you can get with government help.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
   Do whatever you want. The suckers don't read the small print.
10. Greed is eternal.
    Greed is virtuous.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
    Nothing is worth doing except for money and power.
16. A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along.
    A deal is a deal - until you buy a legislator to re-write it.
23. Nothing is more important than your health--except for your money.
    Nothing is more important than your money - certainly not other people's health.
34. Peace is good for business.
    War is good for business.
35. War is good for business.
    War is best for business.
52. Never ask when you can take.
    Never persuade when you can legislate.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
    Keep your lies working. The suckers don't know consistency.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
    Every once in a while, declare Mission Accomplished
    - before a competent H. liberalii actually does it.
85. Never let the competition know what you're thinking.
    Never give the suckers evidence that you're not thinking.
94. Females and finances don't mix.
    Females, a guy in the adjacent stall, porn chats - bring 'em on!
106. There is no honour in poverty.
     Never give a rat's ass about poverty.
141. Only fools pay retail.
     Only fools pay the same taxes as the suckers.
177. Know your enemies ... but do business with them always.
     Know your country's enemies. You always do really good business with them.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product. Never be afraid to profit from a faulty or ineffective product.
266. When in doubt, lie.
     When you get caught, lie.

This new discovery does not establish that Homo ferengii evolved directly from Homo conservitii or Homo sapiens. Previous research has revealed significant differences, especially in their involvement with war. The two species had orthogonal, not opposite, adaptations to social conflict. H. ferengii recognized that acquisition, but not war itself, was a goal. H. conservitii clearly had goals of acquisition and war which were interchangeable and, effectively, equivalent.

For example, H. ferengii society sought to make everyone wealthy. H. conservitii society tied wealth to war: wealth was regarded as something which inherently required the poverty, even the illness and death, of others.

Additional research into the similar misogyny of H. ferengii and H. conservatii societies may provide the concluding determination of their evolutionary relationship.