21
Jul
10

Lolihoma! – a novel by Richard Vladimir Hammerstein II

Act I

Curly Curlert, cowboy poet, arrives in New England Territory in 1620. He is seeking a quiet place to live while he writes the Great American Poetry Book. He rents a room from Ellerberry, Aunt of farm girl Loli. Curly falls in love with 12-year-old Loli at their first meeting. Unfortunately for Curly, Loli already has a boyfriend, dark-hearted farm hand Jughead. Unfortunately for Curly, Aunt Ellerberry falls in love with him. Unfortunately for Aunt Ellerberry, Jughead secretly lusts for her.

After days of unrequited advances, Aunt Ellerberry tells Curly to marry her or leave. Curly plays for time by agreeing. Jughead is enraged and tells Aunt Ellerberry about Curly’s true feelings. A distraught Aunt Ellerberry becomes history’s first victim of a hit-and-run when she runs into the street and is struck dead by a smelly British vehicle.

Act II

The Box Social is the primary social event in New England Territory. It features a crude auction of feminine virtue to unvetted males.

Curly arranges to pick up Loli from the box social in his Sussex, a horse-manure-powered tricycle. He takes Loli to a vacant barn until he can think of a creative way to tell her that her Aunt is dead while simultaneously molesting her. Loli informs him of the ease of his task by singing “I Cain’t Say No“.

Loli is really seeking Curly’s favor to be allowed to take part in the school play. In exchange, Curly gets her to accompany him on a drive through upper New York in the Sussex. Curly is trying to escape paranoid visions of Jughead which came to him in a dimly-lit, unfocused dream sequence.

Loli becomes ill and Curly takes her to be bled. While Curly waits for her impure humours to be relieved, Loli is abducted by Jughead, who is after something to replace the late Aunt Ellerberry.

Curly never gets a single damn word of poetry written.

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All original material Copyright James R. Stone 2010, except where specifically noted. Some images licensed under Creative Commons, or GNU Free Documentation License, or unlicensed and public domain.

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